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1. Pabst Blue Ribbon–known as PBR more truthfully–is the most multifarious brew yet discovered by homo fermentas; indeed, it demonstrates its character without the pretense of exorbitant hops to rev the IBUs or outrageous alcohol content to market itself instrumentally towards dipsomania, rendering it a singular feat within history–in this the post-lapsarian existence of brewers that is more properly known as the post-Reinheitsgebot epoch, where ritual purity and the economy of salvation are incarnated and propitiated only as they accord to that Bavarian decree of 1516.

2. PBR’s lamentable transposition from Millertown to the city commonly operating under a Spanish pseudonymic facade alluding to non-physical entities garnered with wings — colloquially known as angels — for metaphysical locomotion veiling its sodomy towards the sacred life of the brew functions analogically to its cultural assault by those unable-to-account-for-their-own-existence-hipsters from its essential residence as a staple of the blue-collar worker’s cooler.

3. The bifurcation stated above to which PBR has become subject has received in potentia its salvific moment through Clint Eastwood’s Gran Torino. Against all other substances read into this cinema, we must recognize the fundamental thread to be that of reclamation and polemical refutation to all those offenses waged by the so-called hipsters, whose perception of reality under the blanket of an epistemic regime of ignorance and a will driven single-mindedly by that which Lupe Fiasco has laid bare (albeit in separate contextual garment)–the cool–drives them to hedonistically grasp to what could become social capital within their spineless narcissism.

4. PBR, with its compassionate and just flavor, with its ends in its means, is revelationatory and consummationatory; it can in honesty before God transfigure a Hot-N-Ready from Little Caesars into a craft from the golden heights of Giordano’s or Gino’s East.

5. PBR’s ontological architectonics disallow recrementitious consumption of its partakers; it bears an over-line threshold that cannot be traversed. Put in another way, its ontic wonders carry a well-wishing, meek-tenderness that looks out for the good of its drinker, and in this kenosis it becomes an instantiation of graceful superabundance.

6. In sum, PBR, as a upper-midwest nectar of the gods (and yes, this stands against cynics claiming German genesis!) makes present unity in the universe, and, as a Master-theory of the cosmos, images an eschatological horizon and writes the lyrics for the morning stars as they prepare, once again, to sing together in harmonious concord.